Hello fellow ponderers,

the last few months have been filled with opportunities to contemplate the shadow valley.....first of all I spent quite a bit of time in a gallery across the street from a cemetary, where I had an art show....then....

the news that an old friend is struggling to hang on....

I've been visiting her. Recently, I spent the night. She has waves of energy, then deep chasms of agony, then long sleeps where at least there is no pain. She loves life and at times wants to live and repeats over and over mantras of healing, then other times wants out, just to escape the pain and struggle. Each time I see her, I am prepared that it may be the last time or the threshold of a miracle of spontaneous healing. My heart is pulled every which way and all my beliefs are challenged. Sometimes I'm confirming her wish that she can make it, other times, I'm simply listening or helping through a difficult wave (nausea, throwing up, inexpressible pains throughout her body....) I've done some energy work and intuitive shamanic banishing of pain....also hypnotherapy....these all seem to help, have some effect, make her feel a little better.....but I cannot be there all the time.

At this time, she is in a teetering balance of living for the moment and preparing to let it go if needs be. Family members vary in belief and desire between wanting her to live and believing she can and believing that she is dying and that nothing can be done to stop this.

She has told me that she is afraid of dying and though a Christian, is afraid of saying goodbye to this life and her loved ones, is concerned about them and afraid of the unknown.

All around her bedroom are images of angels and while working with her energy one day I felt quite sure there was an angelic presence that blew in.....

Sometimes, I'm really pulling from the air whatever seems right to say or do, other times there is a clear directive. The process of dying can be oh so painful and as I see it in this once vibrant, (still very shining) somewhat raucus, fun, sweet and at times infuriating woman...I am moved to speechlessness and emptying of what I know.

I have only encountered one other person in this process and it was during the last two days, now I am receiving further education about the cruelty of the mortal coil. This particular human did not take good care of their vessel and even now is still in the grips of addiction, i.e. smoking cigarettes even though she is on nicorette. It's the oral fixation, the pacifier.....

Underlying all the disease, seems to be a bottomless sorrow from lack of nurturence....and resentments to fill a battlefield....and despite all this, she is still a very good person, fatally flawed, yet beautiful deep down.

In her illness, she is physically more beautiful than when in health....the excess weight is dropped, her eyes glow with profound meaning, her manner is softer, more gentle, judgments are still there but tempered with the perspective of mortality....

Seeing all this, I pray for a Yogananda-like journey for me and my loved ones.....good health and peace till the time emerges, if it must, for I still keep open the idea of physical life extension via love vibration and right living, eating, etc. Funny bird that I am!

I'll let you all know of any realizations or teachings that come through as I continue to be there for my friend. She was once there for me when I needed help, we lost touch for ages and it is thus very poignant that I am back in her life as it seems to be ending.